May 26, 2010

Stiletto Suicide

I had the displeasure recently of watching a woman walk across the parking lot at the courthouse. She caught my eye... Not because she was devastatingly beautiful. She was certainly reasonably attractive. Not because of her outfit. Not because she was the only person to look at. It was the way she walked. Or, should I say, the way she failed to walk.

Ladies, we all love shoes. It's a girl thing. And, most of us love heels. For me, the higher the heel the higher my spirits. I love high, high heels. Stripper shoes. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Those high platform stilettos! Mmmmm... It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.

I suppose it has something to do with my short stature. Standing at just 5'3.5" (that half inch matters after having shrunk a full inch somewhere in the last 15 years), I have a bit of paranoia about being short. I don't like it. The fact that the stilettos make me not only taller, but make my butt look fabulous - well, that's a big ol' BONUS in my book!

I digress... Back to the woman. She was wearing a pair of stilettos. Chica couldn't walk in them. She was so stiff, I thought she might fall over if the wind blew at all. C'mon now... Don't lie and tell me you haven't seen this before. Admit it - you've all seen it. A nice looking, nicely dressed woman, who ruins the whole package by simply not knowing how to walk in heels!

LADIES! It's ok not to wear heels. In fact, if you don't know how to walk in them, please DON'T! Heels are like a power tool. Yielded by the uneducated, untrained, and careless, they can be a deadly weapon - unfortunately they are deadly to the wearer. We'll call it Stiletto Suicide.

Now, if yielded by the trained and savy lady, it is also a deadly weapon!  Just ask the local police department who has to come out and every time I go to the post office for accident control (a bit of an exaggeration - but not by much I assure you). 

If you ladies do choose to wear heels knowing that you probably are one of the aforementioned “Stiletto Suicide” girls, then I suggest taking a class. No, I'm not kidding. Take a stripper class, take a dance class, find your center of gravity and do it in heels! If you can't find a class, find a lady who knows how to get her groove on in heels and ask her for HELP!

Get comfortable! Embrace your butt... Swing it girls... Left, right, left, right, left! Trust me, ain't much in the world men like better than watchin' a pretty girl stroll down the street in a nice pair of jeans and stilettos... (When she knows how to work them).

For the rest of you willing to admit that you can't walk in heels and are considering hanging them up for good... Well, there's no shame in admitting defeat. Hang up those heels and wear those flats to the best of your ability. Own 'em! You go'on with your bad self. There's nothing like a woman who looks like she owns it, and walks like she owns it - heels or flats.

I'm going for a walk....  ;-)

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