July 25, 1996 – tattooed into my heart and mind….

July 25th, 1996 is a date that is not only tattooed into my heart and mind, it is inked into my skin forever to memorialize my first born child who died when she was just 5 months and 1 day.  She suffocated on a waterbed at the sitter's house while I was at work. 

I am always forthright about having eight children when people ask me how many kids I have, or when I have to list it anywhere. But, when talking about my children I usually just refer to the fact that I have seven children at home. So, I get asked frequently about the discrepancy (7 vs. 8.) The question usually comes in the form of, “I thought you said you have eight children?” That is when I tell those who ask that I have another child, my first, who passed. Usually, it’s left at that.

Although the fact that I have a child who died comes up often, her life and death are not something I often speak of. It’s not a conversation you really care to have with a complete stranger, and I have mastered the art of side-stepping others’ attempts to garner more information.
 Unfortunately, July always ends up being a hard month for me. I usually fall into a significant depression and have a hard time coping with anything overly stressful. Suffice it to say, this year has been INTENSLY difficult for a myriad of reasons…

I guess, when trying to cope with the death of a child, one moves on. By moving on, I don’t mean forgetting in any way. I know there are some people in this world who just can’t get past the loss… people who virtually stop living. But, that wasn’t an option for me. Just a few months after Elisa died, I found myself married and pregnant (another story for another day). I had to pick myself up, dust myself off, and trudge on.

Now, I find myself, 14 years and 7 more children later, still trying to cope with “what might have been.”

But, I do think that, through my own experience, I have managed to finally answer the age old question, “How do you get over losing a child?”

The Answer? You don’t. You don’t get over her. You don’t get past her. You just learn to live with her… in a very different way than what you had ever imagined from the first time you found out you were pregnant.

 
The Crown Without the Trial....

UPDATE: Maybe my Epic-ness isn't quite as Epic as I thought???

This post is simply and update to my previous post about the EPIC failure between my brain and fingers/mouth. 

First, let's establish a "pseudo-name" for my "emotional involvement" just to make life easier.  Because he is a musician and is Hispanic and plays like Santana - he is shall be be hereinafter known as "Mi Santana." 

It took almost a week after the EPIC incident for Mi Santana and I to actually really open up our hearts and get back to that place where we were ready to talk.  We went back and forth - things teeter tottered from "good - bad - good - worse - maybe - OK - let's talk - good".  But, we finally got past all the big hairy BS and made it to the same page. 

Several I'm sorries, lots of deep discussion, and an understanding that we still have a lot of talking, working, and mending to do - we are keeping it together and trying to move forward.  So far, so good...  And, I am learning to walk away from my phone and turn it off BEFORE my emotions get the better of me.  I've been turning to my guitar a lot more - so my fingers are aching.  But, it's a good way for me to quell the EPIC urges and be more productive about it. 

Thanks for the love and support I have gotten...  I'm sure you'll hear more about Mi Santana soon enough...

I’m a Virgo Tiger in the Year of the TIGER! Grrrrr…. Rawr…

Yeah, I know – a lot of people put no stock in astrology whatsoever. But, as you know, I’m “unique”. I think astrology is interesting and, if put in proper perspective and not used as an “end all” way of managing your life, it can really help people get in touch with their strengths and weaknesses, as well as help people learn more about other people.

This does not mean that I am not a Christian!!!  My feelings are, God created all the planets as he created man and everything God created was with a purpose - in a grand design that we have yet to completely comprehend.  Astrology, in my opinoin, is one of those little "helps" he has given us on our journey to become better people and find our way home.... 

Laugh at me if you will… (let me know when you’re through thankyouverymuch.) For what it’s worth, here’s some info about ME!

Western Astrology

VIRGO:

Virgos adapt to different people and situations by finding ways to make themselves useful. To hide their vulnerability, they focus attention on what they’re doing rather than who they are. To deflect attention away from themselves, Virgos will also focus on other people by praising their talents and virtues, or by criticizing faulty behavior or personal imperfection.

Chinese Astrology
TIGER:

Let me preface this by indicating I am a WOOD TIGER. This year is the year of the METAL TIGER. There are four elements to every sign in Chinese Astrology. More on that another time… I will give the generalities of the Tiger and then follow it up with the more specifics about the Wood Tiger.

Tigers do not find worth in power or money. They will be completely honest about how they feel and expect the same of you. On the other hand, they seek approval from peers and family.

Generally, because of their charming personalities Tigers are well liked. Often, failing at a given task or being unproductive in his personal or professional life can cause a Tiger to experience a depression. Criticism from loved ones can also generate this type of Tiger reaction. Still, like all felines, Tigers always land on their feet, ready for their next act in life, pursuing it with unyielding energy and hunting it infallibly.

Tigers are also incorrigibly competitive - they simply cannot pass up a challenge, especially when honor is at stake, or they are protecting those they love. Tigers are unpredictable and it would be unwise to underestimate their reactions. They may appear cool, but they have the Big Cat's instincts to pounce at a moment's warning. Natural leaders, they have a strong sense of their own dignity, and if they find themselves in the ranks, they can be stubborn and obstinate. In positions of power they can be difficult though stimulating bosses.

Tigers are intelligent, alert, and farsighted. They have their fingers on the pulse. Good strategists and tacticians, they often have a hidden agenda. As long as they do not risk their luck too often, and keep their restless nature under control, their tactics usually pay off in life.

WOOD TIGER:

The Wood Tiger is more adaptable to working with others and therefore does not demonstrate the typical "take charge" attitude of other Tigers. The Wood element adds stability, giving him warmth of character that draws people in and makes the Tiger a popular person. They are not selfish creatures and will give their time, attention or possessions to anyone in need. These Tigers bring a solid practicality to any problem. They can control their urges to completely take over, letting others do the work. They must be aware of their slightly volatile tempers and short attention spans, and not let those characteristics get the best of them or cause them or their loved ones undue pain.

And, FINALLY!!!

VIRGO TIGER:

These Tigers can be pretty picky when it comes to choosing a partner. They have an eye for detail that can cause them to be a little neurotic at times.


So, now you know a little more about me.  ;-)

I had always hoped I would be EPIC! Just not quite like this….

EPIC… Don’t you just love that word?

That movie was EPIC!

His touchdown was EPIC!

His love for her is EPIC!

It's a word filled with such majesty, such splendor, that you don’t hear it all that often actually. In fact, I can’t recall having uttered the word in the recent past until I was talking with a friend yesterday about my really loathsome behavior toward someone I care about very much.

You see, what most of you don’t know – and what I’ve kept pretty bottled up inside – is that I have been emotionally involved with someone for several months now. Unfortunately – time together is rare and everyone knows it’s hard to keep a “long-distance romance” going (albeit he’s only in Nashville). It takes a lot of effort, work, and several other factors. Never mind at least a dozen other “complications” and issues that accompanied this pairing…

Nevertheless, love was in bloom and I was full blown, neck deep, head over heels, in love. It’s a Virgo-Capricorn pairing that simply can’t be denied…. (a topic for yet another blog)

Anyway – the romance has been up and down and all around recently – likely a good portion of that due to my ongoing battle with depression and a sharp tongue. Well, I really put my foot in it this time...

Let me share a portion of my conversation with FRIEND – I don’t think FRIEND would mind… (and I’m cleaning it up a bit for the tender eyes and thought processes of my sweet readers)

**************************************************************

ME: *sigh*grumble* Tissue... I HATE HIM! (being a drama queen)

FRIEND: u think it's for good, or just a phase, or whatever

ME: I said some pretty MESSED up CRAP to him. (not that he didn't deserve it). And he ended it this time - not me.

FRIEND: do u think u over-reacted? be honest

ME: Honest - yes

FRIEND: damnit debbie

ME: damnit FRIEND

FRIEND: why did u have to go all girl on him?

ME: But I'm not apologizing this time cuz he started it…. sort of

FRIEND: "sort of" lol nice caviat

ME: I was hurt, I lash out when I'm hurt… and I'm not nice. I'm mean. I'm mega bitch.

FRIEND: yeah, hurt me will u? KAPOW

ME: I’m mean, ultra cruel kid with a magnifying glass over an ant hill, bitch. The kind of cruel where you pull the legs off a caterpillar one by one to see if it squirms. u know - and - being the lyricist that I am - I'm cruel over and over and over in a variety of phrases.

FRIEND: so ur saying, u have no hope of getting him back

ME: No... I don't think so...

FRIEND: b/c u said some epic CRAP i'm sure

ME: I'm sure I did.

[after a review of what I said]

FRIEND: wow, ok. so yeah. u got pretty epic

ME: ya

FRIEND: wuff. Lol. u unloaded every pent up feeling you've had.

**************************************************************

I always wanted to be EPIC… like, “She has seven kids, a successful singing career, family, an incredible man who loves her and supports her, and look at all the good things she did with her fame! She is EPIC!”

Definitely never thought that my EPIC-NESS would come in the form of being the world’s biggest relationship disaster zone…. A romantic porta-potty.

An EPIC romantic porta-potty....

Is it inappropriate to have a favorite child???

I mean, really, let’s review this concept. If you only have one child, then it’s impossible to have a favorite. With two children, it might be difficult. But, as the children multiply, it seems to me that a point in time comes when you realize that maybe you do, in fact, have a favorite!

Here’s the breakdown for me:

Kidlet #1 – This would be my daughter who passed at 5 months of age. That will have to be a blog for another day… It was an accidental death – not SIDS or any other medical condition. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. And, with the anniversary of her death coming up, I think of her even more. She was my first and my life was forever changed by her for the better… my favorite for sure.

Kidlet #2 – My oldest child at home. My oldest boy. He’s 13. Absolutely EMO in every way – combination of being 13 and my child. Nevertheless, I get him. He gets me. We have a connection and a communication that I think will help keep him mostly out of trouble. He’s not afraid to talk to me about things that most kids are afraid to talk about with their parents. So, for that, I am grateful… Most definitely my favorite.

Kidlet #3 – My second oldest boy, age 11. He has a hearing impairment, but he manages to get by OK. He’s an absolute flake. I’m shocked most days that he can remember his own name. I’m pretty sure his roots are blond. That being said, this child is by far is probably my most intelligent. He can – without missing a beat – start discussing philosophy, history, or mythology over a campfire. His mind is always going. He is also the one who will step up and take responsibility when needed. If I say I need help – he is always right there without expecting any reward. Many time I have tried to reward him and he has outright refused. No question, he’s my favorite.

Kidlet #4 – The younger of my older kids, age 10. My sweet boy with Asperger’s Syndrome. I don’t get to cuddle him much as he doesn’t really like a lot of physical contact. He always keeps just enough of a distance from you to avoid the physical contact. But, he’s still a barrel of laughs. This is my funny kid. He likes to play jokes. And his laughter and smile can light up a room. The cutest little dimple in the world. He gets straight A’s and rarely gives me trouble. And, he’s SMART! Wow, this kid is just plain smart… it amazes me. TOTALLY my favorite.

Kidlets #5 & #6 – The identical twin girls!!! 8-years-old going on 20! These are my girls – they are spoiled rotten – cute as buttons – and TROUBLE with a CAPITAL T! They’re my girls!!! They let me dress them up, they borrow my hats and my earrings, I can do girl stuff with them and that is SO FREAKIN’ COOL!!!! I frequently call #5 the BRAIN and #6 the BRAWN. These two simply aren’t complete without the other… they are a team in every way. They can be fist fighting one minute, and the next minute head to head giggling over a book. I LOVE IT! The fact that they look just like me is a big ol’ bonus… These two are so completely my favorites!!!!

Kidlet #7 – My freckled faced 7-year-old boy with ADHD. While this one is my “challenge from God”, he’s also so full of love it’s ridiculous. He loves to snuggle. He loves to hug. He’s very affectionate. He laughs too hard. Smiles too big. And it’s wonderful! He has such an enthusiasm for EVERYTHING… I just love his enthusiasm… You just KNOW he's my favorite!!!

Kidlet #8 – My blond haired, blue eyed, cherub. The BABY! His smile could melt the polar ice-caps, give you cavities, and mend a broken soul. This child knows little malice – only love. Don’t get me wrong – he can be devious (as all 5-year-old boys are), but make no mistake, this child is a lover!!! AND ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, my favorite!!!!



Yup, I have a favorite…

MY NAME IS NOT HASBRO!!!!

Do you hear that world?! My life, my family, my career will no longer be your game board!!! I will no longer be a pawn in your strategy to win and defeat the masses! I REFUSE!

2010 has been hell rather eye-opening for me starting with ending one of the most toxic relationships I have ever been involved in. But, most particularly, the last few weeks have made me realize that life is not like a box of chocolates more like a raging case of herpes that pops up when most inconvenient. Suffice it to say, my experiences of the recent weeks have had significant emotional impact on me.

I use to believe that people were innately good. I generally gave everyone with whom I came into contact a significant amount of latitude and trust prior to forming any type of solid and experienced opinion about them. Honestly, I think that trait is one of the things that made me a massive sucker so uniquely me … Admittedly, even though I have been through hell and back in my life and have held on to some bitterness I have experienced many trials and have had challenges with forgiveness, I remained overall hopeful and optimistic toward new people and experiences.

Sadly, the immense pile of bullshit that has been dropped in my lap my experiences of recent weeks have pissed me off to the point of wanting to pack my kids, my car, and drop off grid forever affected me so deeply that I can now say, screw you world the world has reaped what it has sown in me… Consider me now just another bitter old hag member of a growing population of untrusting skeptics who will likely never be able to function in a normal romantic relationship or friendship with anyone because I have been taken advantage of and broken one too many times.

What have I learned? Well, let me share the top things:

1. As a single woman and mother who is moderately attractive, many women – particularly other single women – are catty bitches who will manipulate situations to achieve their goal and really couldn’t give a shit less about who they plow over in the process should be No. 1 on the radar of people to keep your eye on. I offer no offense to those on my lists who are single women… I’m just sayin’.... 90% of the ones I have dealt with so far have turned out to fall into this catty bitch unpleasant category. And, if any woman you don’t really know comes to you and says “You have to promise not to tell” or “This must be kept in the cone of silence” or wants you to keep it “in the vault” and then proceeds to give you what amounts to an overwhelming pile of manure helping of gossip, is someone who will turn around and stab you in the back. Moreover, what that person just told you, she has already told to a multitude of people and will go on to tell everyone else anything else to make themselves look better at any cost. This person is TOXIC! RUN LIKE HELL!

2. 99.999999% of men who use the line “I really hope you feel like you can trust me” or “Your trust is so important to me” or “I really feel like I can trust you” are only out to get a piece of ass and will turn on you at the first possibility that someone else might put out are absolutely not to be trusted. Again, run like hell!

3. The only person you can trust in this world is yourself… follow your heart, your gut, your psychic tendencies, or whatever you want to call it, and you will 99.9% of the time find yourself standing up on your feet rather than cowering in the corner of a darkened room crying for hours because once again you’ve just been emotionally raped.

4. In moments of greatest sorrow you realize who you can count on most… this is ultimately a very short list.

5. The ownership of fault accompanied by honest words of “I’m truly sorry” from someone you thought was a friend, who completely took your friendship and love for granted and left you flapping in the wind bruised and battered who hurt you, can go a long way… even so, getting back to that trust you once had may not be possible.



So that’s that… Things are gonna change up in here…

Top Ten Reasons Fishing is Better than Sex!

1.  You don't need a partner to do it.

2.  You can do it with as many different people as you want,  men and women, and no one will think your a slut.

3.  If you catch something, you can throw it back...  no antibiotics necessary.

4.  You don't have to be embarrassed or come up with creative excuses if your kids find your stash of toys (boats, poles, reels, lures, etc.)

5.  The more toys you have, the better it is (on the same token, partners don't freak out when you bring all your toys.)

6.  You can do it in public.

7.  You can do it no matter what your age and with partners of any age.

8.  It doesn't matter if your forgot to shave.

9.  Bragging is socially acceptable.

10.  The size of the fish really doesn't matter.


***GONE FISHING***

TONIGHT, 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX!

Oh yeah - camping with the fam, so time to finally BLOG... tonight....